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General, Health, Life

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

03.16.05 | Comment?

I intend to make no secret of the fact that I want a baby. Desperately. But I know that we have to be patient and wait for a safe time. Hopefully that will not be too far in the future.

This morning I got to thinking about a parallel universe and how things might have been different, a la the movie “Sliding Doors” – heavy thoughts for 0600. What if I had been five months pregnant in June, as things looked initially? We would have a little five month old baby, which to me, now, sounds wonderful. Yay! Stupid cancer. I guess I could still have a big scar on my abdomen. But we’d have a baby! But chances are that Joel would be overseas, and I may or may not be with him. If I were, we wouldn’t have Chief with us. Either way, we wouldn’t have Sophie. There’s no way we would live in San Antonio, together, close to family, in our own house. I would not be warm and comfortable, lying in his spot after he left for work, knowing he would return in a few hours for lunch. I may not appreciate as fully the person he is or know what support I have in my family and friends.

I would still know love, loyalty, and happiness. But I may not know what it’s like to test those things and have them bounce back even stronger.

Given the choice at the time, I would not have chosen cancer, but I don’t knock the chain of events that led me here. I’ll be a better parent for it some day. And hopefully my book will be a best seller.

As far as I know, just thinking about the way things might have gone will not make them so, but just in case, I added to my morning thoughts: Please don’t take this universe away from me.

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