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Baby, Health, Life, Pets, School

Here’s to insomnia

04.05.07 | Comment?

Zoe is sleeping and has been for some time, yet I am wide awake – I never went back to sleep after her 3 AM feeding. I also only slept one of the three hours she took a nap yesterday, but my eyes were burning the whole time. What is wrong with this picture? New moms are ALWAYS tired. I AM tired. I got up with Joel this morning since lying in bed wide awake wasn’t working.

I’m probably a little anxious/jazzed about life right now. Sunday I officially gave up on medical school, for my own good. I can’t keep thinking I’ll get in when clearly it isn’t going to happen. I’m embarrassed about it and honestly pretty upset that, when it comes down to it, the past two years have been for nothing. I can rationalize all I want to about the benefits of education for education’s sake, about how I needed to do this, but I would know I’m kidding myself. The classes, the miles driven, the dinky job, the time spent, the effort, the student loans, the stress… no payoff. Any confidence I gained during the process has been shattered, and I say that with as little drama as possible. It seemed so clear to me that this was what I was “destined” to do (forgetting that I don’t believe in such things), and I had the support of those closest to me, so making the commitment was scary but I did so with confidence. It will be quite difficult to trust my instincts again.

I could have been working at a real job and gaining experience, or enjoying my pregnancy, or training my dogs so they wouldn’t be complete and utter nuisances. I can get over most of it. The sad part (and the most difficult to accept and let go) is that I truly did my best; it’s just that I peaked a long time ago. I flew too close to the sun.

I can count myself fortunate that there are really only two things that stick out in my life that I’ve wanted, tried for, and not gotten: this, and making the basketball team in seventh grade.

I even have a daughter, born less than three years after an ovarian cancer diagnosis, making that and not getting into med school tiny blips on the radar. Don’t think that any of this other despair has shadowed her in my life. She is everything to me and will always be why I do anything worthwhile for the rest of my days.

Onward, though not necessarily upward, I go. We’ll need jobs. My search is broad and nearly unfocused except for location – anything in the Dallas area and with the option of medical benefits.

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