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Baby, Life

Better late than never

12.25.07 | 4 Comments

I have a confession. For most of Zoe’s life I have been distracted by one thing or another. It has little to do with motherhood and more to do with that’s just how I am. Cognitively I can make sense of just about anything, and I know that the way I want to be is ever-grateful for the present. In practice it takes all my effort and energy to be in the moment, fully present with whatever or whomever is right there with me. If I’m able, it is exhausting, but always, always worth it. It seems counterintuitive, but for me it is simpler to piddle in several different thoughts, activities, or goals rather than invest myself in the one. I say simpler, but when I really think about it, it makes me feel scattered and hollow and not at all committed to anything.

I try not to let on to Zoe about abnormal stress levels or my being tugged in other directions. She is a baby. Already the time is racing by, and though I love her more every day and look forward to everything ahead of us, I’m finding myself grasping at the seconds as they go by, wanting to hold on to her babyhood before she toddles off, *blink*, drives away, *blink*, and marries some hairy-legged boy. The thought that I won’t always sway her to sleep and sniff her neck makes my eyes leak. And I understand my parents.

Ten months in, I’m starting to get it. The blissful moments are coming more frequently and lasting longer. I’m learning to relax. I wish it hadn’t taken me this long; it’s not like I get a do over.

But there is the now – oh the now. Like tonight. After falling asleep nursing in a warm bath, she stayed drowsy while I dressed her and carried her to her room. As if I weren’t drunk enough on her baby sweetness, she lifted one little arm and wrapped it around my neck as she was falling asleep, my first real hug from her.

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