Today in lab there was a little mention of the ovary’s layers in the histology syllabus. It said they were ill-defined and arbitrary. Perfect, really. Right there in the syllabus is exactly what I’ve been saying histology is for me. Actually, those two words could not be more apropos for how I feel right now, how I’ve felt nearly every day for the last 9 years or so, and probably before that.

I want to get a handle on this material. I want to understand. I want to get into a groove and have something make sense. Be good at something. I’m so… lost.

Everyone has these struggles, trying to find their place, searching for meaning and a sense of self. I just never imagined I’d be this close to 30 and so ill-defined. And arbitrary. The worst part is thinking I get it one day and realizing I don’t the next. It’s not like I have no insight.

I’m pretty good at discerning the problem. The fix… is a little more difficult.

The good news is that if I make it through this doctor school thing, I might be good at making the diagnosis, and the treatment will, in most cases, be some formula. Anyone have a pill for getting me through the basic sciences so I can get there?