Family, Life, School

One down

01.26.10 | 1 Comment

Immunology test for 40% of my grade – done. I can’t say that went especially well, but I knew some things.

Perhaps the most pervasive thing about having failed… repeatedly… is that even the smallest success feels uncomfortable. Even with a little confidence back, there’s this incredulous feeling when I get something right, and then I double check it, thinking, “Surely there must be some mistake.” Or when I say something aloud that makes sense, my brain says, “Are you sure? That sounds like something a smart person would say – you probably better backpedal or something.” Messed up, right?!

And it doesn’t just apply to school. When Zoe seems well-adjusted or does something reflecting her obvious brilliance, or if I’ve completed a workout, gotten to bed on time, checked things off my to-do list, or made an especially great cookie… It’s like “Once in a Lifetime” by Talking Heads. “How did I get here?… This is not my beautiful [life].”

I have to keep reminding myself that we are what we do. I’m a mom to a beautiful child. I’m in medical school, and I will be a doctor. In August I decided these things, that it was a matter of when, not if. It is just taking a little longer than I would have expected to condition myself. I need to be comfortable with that and act the part – no, BE the part. And really it isn’t up to anyone else. I’ve sat around wishing I were this way or that way, and really except for a few physical impossibilities, I can be whatever, however, whoever I want.* Once I’ve done something consistently, I am that way. Make good grades – you make good grades. Be a good mom – you’re a good mom.

On that note, I’m headed for a run. I run.

*I recognize that there are many, many things in place that allow me this freedom.

1 Comment

have your say

Add your comment below, or trackback from your own site. Subscribe to these comments.

Be nice. Keep it clean. Stay on topic. No spam.

You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>