What I mean to say is that there was no nap, and at no point did Zoe even appear to be tired. Around 9:00 PM, we cuddled and watched her current favorite show, Imagination Movers, on the cozy sac. A couple of times during our cuddle, I was smelling her hair, kissing her warm little head, and generally floating on a cloud of bliss, when she said, sweetly and contently, “I luhboo.” Those last 30 minutes with her were more recharging to my heart than a whole week of beach bum vacation. Finally, she drifted off to sleep for the night. I watched a movie and a half, wishing I would never, ever, have to put her down.

I told Joel that what I missed most about the baby time is that it’s basically all like that, except for when they’re crying or needing to be changed. The majority, or what I remember anyway, was holding her while she slept and nursing her. And it was sweet. Really sweet. Now there are fewer of those times, but it’s extra sweet, because she chooses it. As a baby, they really don’t have a choice, and I could be loving the heck out of the cuddling, while the kid might be totally unaware of me beyond a comfortable place to lie and a food source. We definitely communed when she was a baby, and I felt like she was digging me, too, but now, the happiness seems more reciprocal. Maybe because she can talk or hug back or choose not to wriggle away.

I asked if I still will get to cuddle her when I go back to school in a month. If she’ll allow it, if she’ll begrudge my more frequent absence and commitment to something else and resent me. Not just in August, but later. Because she’ll never have a closely spaced sibling to share my attention. Med school, and then my profession, is the new baby dividing my energy. Only she won’t get the built-in best friend down the line.

I guess that’s the price of doing things a little backwards. I waffled in undergrad and abandoned pre-med, changing my major with no real plan. I got married before I was a grown-up. I had ovarian cancer before having children, creating an urgency to have a family. My experience with illness also reignited what I feel is a call to medicine. Despite my poor performance thus far, I know it’s what I need to do.

But it makes things more difficult. A lot more difficult. And I feel selfish. I don’t want her to pay the price for my doing things backwards. The fact is that Zoe has more adjusting to do than she would if I had been able to wait until I was all set up to have children. But if I had been all set up, I might have had two kids, and then she would adjust to that. Or something else. Life is a series of adjustments, right?

I swear I had a point. I wanted my baby, and I wanted to pursue medicine. I’m fortunate to have the opportunity to do both. The timing may be off by most people’s standards, but I have what I want. I just hope we all can get what we need.

A bit of good news for the allergy sufferer: our apartment has installed astroturf in the courtyard. That’s right. Astroturf.

Last week or so, there was a commotion down there for about a day and a half. The grass had started to look a little peaked, probably due to frequent dog visits. Workers dug about two feet deep and filled the area with large pebbles. Drainage – good show! That should help, I thought. They then covered the rocks with what from the second floor balcony looked like the greenest grass I had ever seen. I was impressed. Today we took Zoe for a little playtime in the courtyard (which was great, by the way, and I’m realizing this about nine months too late, since we’re moving in two weeks), and we inspected this awesome grass further. No wonder it is so nice. Joel commented that one would have to be a real asshole to leave dog poo on astroturf. One would. I agree.

Although it is technically Sunday, I would like to wish Katie a very happy birthday. We had a great time playing Wii and eating OTB and cake last night.

Today we managed to get some pre-move tasks accomplished, which is good, because the panic arrived about a week ago. Moving… sucks, as I believe I have probably expounded upon in writing and in speech about one thousand times. I’m sure everyone is tired of my whining. New adventures and places and people – I like all that. But the actual figuring out this worldly possession thing WITH A BABY is grossly unfun. Boo for moving away from friends and a job I have come to love.

However. I am looking forward to getting out of limbo and staying in one place for at least four years. We can have a routine, a real routine. With purpose. Have I mentioned that I’m going to medical school? I still can’t believe it. My heart flutters when I think about opening that email that said I was accepted and dancing around the room with Zoe.

After half an episode of Sesame Street and no signs of going back to sleep, I started a shower to cleanse my gunked hair. Zoe had designs on a bath, however, so we took a bath. She ate a good breakfast (fed herself oatmeal with a spoon very neatly). For the next hour or so she whined and grunted nonstop, not really wanting to be held or be alone, sleepy but not sleeping, and generally playing the role of an amateur terrorist. Joel is dealing with Army stuff, so we’re trying to stay out of his irritable way.

So I was grouchy anyway. I thought we might make it to the store to get some cocoa powder to make these cookies. (How the hell I am out of cocoa powder is anyone’s guess.) The outing plus the baking was sure to cheer us up. I could take the goods to work later, I thought, since my baking attempt earlier in the week did not go as planned.

Then the office of our (hopefully, I guess) future residence called; they need more documents, the girl informs me rather hatefully. Telling myself it’s better than all the paperwork to buy a house, I bucked up and got everything together, including bothering my parents who are guarantors on the place (another long and stupid story). This was supposed to be easy – we will be renting from the same property management company, and I have a connection, but so far they have been a bit of a pita.

Continuing. My Mom was coming by to drop off a document, so I decided to take Zoe sandal shopping while we waited. We needed to get out of this apartment and clear our heads.

Things perked up from there: Zoe experienced her first BOGO event, getting a pair of pink tennies and white sandals with hearts, and on the way back, an adorable grandparently couple strolled with us, admiring Zoe and showering her with attention.

I received a call from work that I would be put on call for the shift, which normally frustrates me a little (especially when Zoe is tugging on my last nerve), but I was kind of relieved. There is a patient there who ruffled my feathers yesterday, and she won’t be leaving anytime soon. Apparently I have the same name as someone she dislikes intensely, and she can’t separate us in her mind. Normally I just shrug off the patients’ tenseness; they are ill, I’m there to help them, and it isn’t personal if they have a problem with me (or hasn’t been so far). I am professional, did not let on that she had ruffled my feathers, and will deal with it if I do go in today. But I would rather make cookies at this particular time.

WOW I am long-winded today. The point is that Zoe has gone down for a nap, it’s overcast outside, and my documents have been faxed; I think I might be able to take a nap myself, albeit brief after this post… And later, we might try those cookies.

When a person is at work, one should not treat customers/patients/coworkers as an inconvenient interruption in one’s day. These people are the reason why one is at work. (This also applies to family life, I am realizing.)

Also, tonight we will finally celebrate Joel’s birthday – there is a restaurant that Zoe and I picked out for him (we called ahead to make sure they serve Coca-Cola products).

The first memory came about while making my midnight snack (which tonight is dessert for “second dinner” – how Joel and I eat so much/often and are not tubs of lard is a subject which should be studied). As I placed a ramekin in the microwave, I thought of a tweet for twitter* and blurted, “I have the perfect tweet for twitter!” I took off running toward my computer and was immediately reminded of a scene from our childhood. Amanda and I would put something to warm in the microwave and take off running in circles around the kitchen island, I suppose as a way to burn off calories. It was way fun.

Secondly. A common snack for the patients where I work is graham crackers and peanut butter. I have always liked this combination, and being around it all the time is starting to cause intense cravings for peanut butter. And I always crave chocolate. As such, Reese’s items are a staple in our home. I have Kroger’s version of the Reese’s cereal so I can curb cravings for chocolate and peanut butter without eating an entire bag of chocolate chips and tub of peanut butter. Tonight my snack was a small spoon of peanut butter with a few chocolate chips melted in the microwave, as I did not want the corn product found in the cereal because I think that corn gives me corn belly and inflames my system. Call me crazy, but it does. None of this is either here or there.

The point is that I thought of the cereal as an option, and in thinking of Amanda while running as the microwave was on, I was reminded that one morning I woke her up, very excited about the Reese’s cereal, by saying, “WOO WOO!!! PEANUT BUTTER!”

*twitter was down (GRRRRR), and this is kind of the last straw, so twitter is now somewhere between on notice and dead to me. But my tweet was going to be: Very little damage can be done within the confines of a ramekin.