Thank you, Julie, for the pretty edit!

I’m studying again. Block 3 this time. And as usual with these stressful times, illness threatens us.

To procrastinate I just wanted to update here. Zoe has been ill lately, and after three antibiotic shots from the doctor this week (in lieu of liquid medicine, which she absolutely refuses to take, clamps down her mouth, and if some should enter, it is immediately vomited; we are all better off with the shots). She seemed to be better until last night, when she spiked a fever and generally had a very fitful sleep. This morning between the hours of 7AM and 11AM, at which time she is STILL sleeping, she has stated the following, after which she returns to sleep:

“I want to go to the zoo.”
“Let’s Skype with Gigi.”
“Chuggachugga CHOO CHOO!”
“No, no, no, no, no. Hmm-mm. No.”
“Whatcha doin? I love you.”

Her sleepy head companion and Dad has shown himself in the past minute. This is a good three hours, at least, past her usual wake-up time. I hope this is recovery sleep and not sick sleep… She even let me listen to her heart and lungs, count her beats and breaths per minute (172 :/ and 40), and percuss her chest without waking. I’d like to say for the record that I have either a hunch or a delusion of med student hypochondria regarding her condition. Either way we’re going to push fluids and rest today.

I thought I would post a little something to say I am alive and well. Today we took the gross anatomy written and practical exams. Not bad, not bad. The keys aren’t up yet, but I’m feeling pretty good about it. Dr. Cleary alluded to some “character builders” among the questions, but I think it was fair. Anatomy is a high maintenance relationship, but I kind of love it. At least compared to the others, I think it’s the most applicable, and the anatomy department is by far the most organized and efficiently-run.

During the practical we have rest stops, one or two between each question, so there’s a lot of time to stand there and look around, but not look around like at other people’s answer sheets, or the questions in front of or behind you, or even at your classmates too much, because you’re bound to make a super dorky face that could potentially look suspicious and earn yourself a janky eye from a proctor.

The point is that I let my mind wander during those rest stops, since in the past I’ve used that time to second-guess myself and change right answers to wrong ones. A few things struck me as amusing during the practical, which itself is pretty odd: 50 questions, about 40 of which are “wet specimens,” human remains with engaged young people getting up close and personal from every angle to identify some tiny feature on a bisected head. So there’s that.

Then at a couple of the rest stops are buckets with mini candy bars. And naturally we have become accustomed enough to the fixative smell to consume said candy while, say, carefully considering a brain and which artery that might be with the pin in it. Chocolate and gray matter… mmmm.

I also had to chuckle at one of the tanks… The body had crossed ankles, like she was just lying back, chill.

Tomorrow is developmental anatomy, aka devo. I managed to neglect that class pretty well this block, so I have some work to do tonight and tomorrow morning. My only break tonight will be SYTYCD, because a brain needs rest sometimes. Wednesday is solely a study day, Thursday is biochem (which I’m enjoying a lot more this block), and Friday is histo (still by far and away my least favorite).

And then Halloween. We haven’t decided what our plans are yet, but I’m sure Zoe will look cute, and I may dress up as something. The little munchkin and her Dad are getting some Garland love right now, which is really working out for everyone involved. I am grateful. And I just ache for her when she’s away. They plan to return tomorrow evening, and I will be happy.

A word on the social front: I was probably a little less than kind in my last post concerning my new classmates. I will say that just this week a few individuals have improved my opinion of our class quite a bit.

To the study cave once more! Also, if you haven’t already, check out last.fm. It’s keeping me sane.

Update: This just in! Keys up. PASSED!

I promised myself going back to school that I would cut down on the tweeting, facebooking, and general internet piddling. Weekly Flickr and blog posts were acceptable, but no more. As it happened, I barely uploaded to Flickr and (obviously) posted nothing here. I was significantly less attached to the computer and my phone and more engaged in my work.

And it paid off.

I passed all my exams and even HONORED developmental anatomy. HONORED IT. There’s honor, high pass, pass, and marginal performance. I’ve never done anything more than pass before. In med school anyway. I had high expectations of myself, most of which I met. I plan to do better in my other classes next block (which is only a short month away), but I’m considerably more confident of my abilities than I was when I started. Forgive me if it sounds like I’m bragging, but this is what I have wanted for a very, very long time.

The first week was rough; I won’t lie. I had prepared myself that it would be difficult seeing all my former classmates in their second year capacity while I was again upstairs, meeting my new classmates, going through the same motions, with all the awkwardness plus some. But it was worse than I expected. I felt stigmatized by the incoming kids, even though there are many from last year in a similar situation as mine. Each class has its own personality, and I truly love my initial class. I was still, after having seven whole months to deal with the reality, grieving. And I was embarrassed. So embarrassed. For many reasons that are not known or obvious to my former and current classmates, I did not perform. I just couldn’t hang. I felt that the new kids looked at me with a janky eye. Last year’s classmates, legitimately concerned and very sweetly supportive, seemed to pity me. I feared for the next person who cocked their head and said, “How ARE you?” in a tone that could be considered condescending, even though I’m sure it wasn’t meant that way. Every time I saw an old friend, I was reminded I wouldn’t be in their classes, and every time I met someone new in my class, it seemed they were familiar in some way, but, best case – slightly less cool than people I already knew, and worst case – out and out rude. This was my perspective.

Failing last year was traumatic. Dealing with that was like reliving the cancer. Honestly I was more upset about that than the cancer. Maybe that’s ridiculous, but it’s how I felt. I was so angry. With cancer, it’s something that happened TO ME. This I felt I did to myself. There were circumstances out of my control, what with the storm and all, but everything else was up to me. And I let myself and those around me down. I felt like I lost another year of my life.

And for about three days I was miserable. Excited to be in school and grateful for the opportunity to try again, but just miserable. It was weird.

Then I had an attitude adjustment. Instigated by Dr. Oakes’s talk during our AMWA meeting, I felt like I had been… not slapped, but restrained. You know how when your toddler is freaking out and tired and fighting sleep and generally a danger to herself and others, and you just have to hug her really tightly and speak softly but firmly and wait until she gets it? That’s what happened. I’ve heard that message a few hundred times since I had to take a leave of absence. I’ve heard it from those who love me and from myself. Repeatedly. I’ve taken it to heart. But it never lasted longer than my own self absorption.

This time I just wanted to feel something different. She was talking to a whole lecture hall full of people, but every word applied directly to me. So something sucky happened. Now deal with it. The past is the past; you can’t change it now. Let go. Give it away. Quit wasting your time being miserable. You’re still here.

Something clicked and I stopped passively hearing it or telling it to myself. I thought it. I became it. I’M STILL HERE.

And so I worked. I learned more those first ten days than all of last fall’s semester. I have never known academic focus like that. (Oddly, the actual grades were better before I had this focus. That was before med school.) I learned what works for me – what I’ve always known – that I learn the very best, initially, alone. But I do need other people to keep me on my toes. I have a fantastic main study partner and several others willing to help when I have questions, all of whom I thank tremendously.

Of course I’ll never be able to thank my family enough for their support. Joel’s parents saved us this week – with Zoe sick for almost three weeks now, Joel and I on the brink, they drove down and truly saved the day. Had I not seen the physical car, I’d think they flew here with their capes. Though perhaps they hoisted it on their pinkies and flew anyway – I’ll never know.

There were ups and downs this block, and I’m sure before I’m done with this semester or this year or residency or my career, I’ll have more of those moments were I wonder why I’m doing it. But I’m going to be the best doctor that only I can be. I may come to like my colleagues better and laugh about my initial impressions of them. I probably will. Maybe I won’t. I really don’t care. What other people do think or might think about me isn’t much of a concern. I’m putting my energies into what works for me and my family, what gets us though these hurdles whole and happy.

Tomorrow a new block starts, and I’m doing it all again. Hopefully I won’t fall off the face of the Earth this time. Maybe I’ll tweet less and put it into here. For now, I’ll share what I found via my friend’s blog. Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson. I need to read it every day.

Last weekend I went to see Amanda on her new turf. We had such a great time. Being with my sister always feels like a cozy, comfy pair of fat pants, and I love her.

It occurred to me then and occurs to me now as I upload to Flickr the few pictures from my trip that our agenda had much to do with food. I am a gastrotourist. What do people do if not go from eatery to eatery? This is not to say that we ate a lot. We ate a rather conservative amount, and surprisingly, the only things we bought at any of the cupcake shops were not cupcakes – Amanda got Zoe a Magnolia “I (cupcake) NY” shirt, and at Crumbs we got coffee. Otherwise we just smelled. Anyway perhaps because of my fugness with the braces, or so I didn’t look like SUCH a tourist, I didn’t take many pictures, and the majority of the ones I did take are of food. Tickle me fat.

Now we did get one of each of the Levain cookie flavors and shared them over two days. For all the hubbub in the baking blogger community over these cookies, I must say my expectations were a little high. They were super yummy cookies, and definitely inspirational in terms of cloning efforts, but now that I’ve had one part of four, I think I can put the fascination to rest.

We walked several miles per day, seeing the sites. I loved the subway, as I always have been fascinated with mass transit. As for the cabs, I never did fear for my life, and I found at least one of the cabbies to be extremely pleasant. Amanda’s roommate’s boyfriend’s birthday was Saturday, so Friday night we made him a cake. I say we, but really it was Amanda; my contribution was to color frosting and fondant, eat cake scraps, and get in the way. But I’m glad she tolerated me, because I love to be in the kitchen with her.

We also got to catch up with Duke over some delicious fancy pizza before we headed to Chelsea Market and shopped. Everyone should have a Duke hug at least once a year. Saturday the aforementioned birthday boy was celebrating at Central Park with a softball game, so we spent some time there. I loved the park. The grass felt like heaven’s carpet on our tired feet, and I enjoyed meeting Amanda’s friends.

We met another of Amanda’s friends from work later for dinner. We stumbled upon a Middle Eastern restaurant with delicious gyros. The original plan was to end up at Pommes Frites, but we were so full that we got them to go and continued walking. I had seen these Belgian fries featured on the Food Network years ago and decided I must have them some day. After fatting around at home for a little bit, we decided to catch the night’s last showing of 500 Days of Summer. I recommend it – very cute and clever.

Saturday night/Sunday morning saw a very heavy storm, which was great for sleeping. When we got up, we found a street fair and falafel, walked through Times Square, and then on to Levain Bakery. More walking and shopping, dinner at a very lovely and tasty Thai place, followed by Julie and Julia, which was great. I am now as in love with Julia Child as my Dad has professed as long as I’ve known him. She was the only woman for whom my Mom gave him a pass. After the movie we scooted in the door of Tasti D-lite with a minute to spare before they closed.

Monday after Amanda left for work, I piddled around, just walking wherever I decided to go, ducking into shops and delighting in the fact that the streets are laid out such that even a geographically challenged bumpkin such as myself can navigate them without too much hassle. I wish I had 1. seen my cousin and his girls, 2. seen my friend who just moved there, 3. seen the World Trade Center memorial, and 4. walked to the edge of the island to see the ocean. But I ran out of time before I headed to Amanda’s work to meet for lunch. Always leave something to see on the next trip, right? We ate where she eats most days, Digby’s, whose iced hazelnut coffee is commendable.

After that Amanda got me into the MoMA before heading back to work. I shuffled about, sort of half-heartedly looking at drawings and artifacts and generally being a little blah, probably because I was leaving. I shaped up when I realized HEY, YOU’RE STILL HERE, and decided to see what I love – painting and sculpture, which were upstairs. I’m so glad I did. Without sounding too cheesy, I was moved. Even with a lot of people around, it felt calm in there, and I was able to focus on things and be excited without feeling ADD about it.

After a little more shopping, I went up to Amanda’s office with cute pictures on her desk, and then we walked home to get ready to leave. She walked me to the subway – goodbyes are hard – and I did my first truly embarrassing, idiotic thing of the trip. I wedged myself and my luggage in the turnstile and missed the window for turning it to get through. Ah, well. AirTrain, JFK, and JetBlue – check, thumbs up, for the most part.

Of course along the way were sister chats and the delicious worst of TV (Toddlers and Tiaras, for one). New York is a pretty amazing place with a lot to see and do. I continue to be impressed at Amanda’s gumption, her move to Manhattan, and how she acclimated so quickly and so well. I can’t wait to visit again, and thank you to my parents for the funds and encouragement.

So I’m really glad I got to go on that trip before school starts. Which is Monday. I think the anxiety about that peaked yesterday, and now I’m just focused on being prepared. Instead of “Don’t eff it up” on a hamster wheel in my head, I’m trying to tell myself, “You can do this!” Cognitive behavioral therapy for the win. I hope.

So I finally got braces. I figured now was better than later when I’m out practicing. My super nice orthodontist expects it to take about 18 months. 18 months ago, Zoe was almost 11 months old, and that seems like yesterday, so perhaps this will go by as quickly. I kind of wish I had waited until after our upcoming 10 year high school reunion, but whatever. We all saw each other at various stages of idiocy and awkwardness, so it’s cool.

Though I look like an utter goof, so far it doesn’t hurt too badly – I haven’t had to take any ibuprofen or acetaminophen. It only hurts a little in my actual teeth. I read online that it takes 72 hours for the tension to break down the bone and 90 days to build it back up. We’re taking a picture every few days so we can see the progress over time. The first couple of days I had this claustrophobic, cagey feeling, but that’s lessening.

One side effect is that eating is no longer fun. At all. Not that I ate for sport before, but the inconvenience of actually chewing and then cleaning my teeth afterward has severely curtailed my snacking. And of course, I have eliminated the foods and behaviors that could cause a bracket to break, which ultimately benefits my long term health. No nail biting or ice chewing. White flour is gone. Sugar is ALMOST gone. Flavored, unsweetened tea has become my very, very good friend. Cold soy milk. Baked fish. Tofu. Soup. Pureed beans. Pureed hot brown rice cereal. Mashed plantains. I have returned to eating only enough to make me not hungry anymore, which before required willpower, and now is a pain-saving mechanism.

After discussions with Jenna about gluten and dairy, I ditched gluten and am limiting dairy to my Greek yogurt, which doesn’t seem to bother me. I’m also mammal-meat-free, and I don’t miss it. My skin has cleared up, my fatigue is considerably less, and my abdomen is flattening. In fact, today my belly saw the light of day for the first time since Zoe entered our lives. I spent some time in the pool swimming laps, floating, and generally acting like a kid for about a half hour, and it felt phenomenal. I could spend my whole life in water. I’m probably half mermaid. I guess that would be the top half. I wore my favorite vintage two-piece – Mom’s bikini from the 1960s. I’m not ready to don that in more public than there was today (the girl who was frying her skin while reading a book), but given a little more time… Perhaps.

Some of these improvements could be attributed to the fact that Sophie has a new home in Brenham. I am getting good reports from her new family that she is doing very well, and they love her. Zoe’s nose runs less, and I’m breathing easily, completely off my Zyrtec and Flonase. And I rage less.

I kind of wish I had been more scientific about these things so I could figure out which made the biggest improvement, but then I might be obnoxious about it. My family has always said I have infomercial potential. So I’ll just say that they’re all very good changes, and it’s nice to feel more normal.

Watching History Channel shows about the moon landing got us thinking and talking. We probably will see a manned mission to Mars in our lifetime.

Me: Oooh, but it’s cold there!
Joel: Well, yeah.
Me: It’s not the kind of place you raise your kids.
Joel, getting it: In fact, it’s cold as hell…

Most of our knowledge of Mars comes from Elton John.

MyHeritage: Family trees – Genealogy – Celebrities – Collage – Morph

(Thanks, Carol!)

Yesterday Zoe woke up around 9:00 AM. We played, cooked, played some more, swam, played, bathed, and played. At one point in the mid-afternoon I thought I might die from exhaustion and took a 20 minute break on the couch in a twilightish stupor, never falling asleep, but it was enough that when she asked to go swimming I thought there was a chance I could continue living. We had a great time in the pool and the subsequent bath, and a nice evening after that.

What I mean to say is that there was no nap, and at no point did Zoe even appear to be tired. Around 9:00 PM, we cuddled and watched her current favorite show, Imagination Movers, on the cozy sac. A couple of times during our cuddle, I was smelling her hair, kissing her warm little head, and generally floating on a cloud of bliss, when she said, sweetly and contently, “I luhboo.” Those last 30 minutes with her were more recharging to my heart than a whole week of beach bum vacation. Finally, she drifted off to sleep for the night. I watched a movie and a half, wishing I would never, ever, have to put her down.

I told Joel that what I missed most about the baby time is that it’s basically all like that, except for when they’re crying or needing to be changed. The majority, or what I remember anyway, was holding her while she slept and nursing her. And it was sweet. Really sweet. Now there are fewer of those times, but it’s extra sweet, because she chooses it. As a baby, they really don’t have a choice, and I could be loving the heck out of the cuddling, while the kid might be totally unaware of me beyond a comfortable place to lie and a food source. We definitely communed when she was a baby, and I felt like she was digging me, too, but now, the happiness seems more reciprocal. Maybe because she can talk or hug back or choose not to wriggle away.

I asked if I still will get to cuddle her when I go back to school in a month. If she’ll allow it, if she’ll begrudge my more frequent absence and commitment to something else and resent me. Not just in August, but later. Because she’ll never have a closely spaced sibling to share my attention. Med school, and then my profession, is the new baby dividing my energy. Only she won’t get the built-in best friend down the line.

I guess that’s the price of doing things a little backwards. I waffled in undergrad and abandoned pre-med, changing my major with no real plan. I got married before I was a grown-up. I had ovarian cancer before having children, creating an urgency to have a family. My experience with illness also reignited what I feel is a call to medicine. Despite my poor performance thus far, I know it’s what I need to do.

But it makes things more difficult. A lot more difficult. And I feel selfish. I don’t want her to pay the price for my doing things backwards. The fact is that Zoe has more adjusting to do than she would if I had been able to wait until I was all set up to have children. But if I had been all set up, I might have had two kids, and then she would adjust to that. Or something else. Life is a series of adjustments, right?

I swear I had a point. I wanted my baby, and I wanted to pursue medicine. I’m fortunate to have the opportunity to do both. The timing may be off by most people’s standards, but I have what I want. I just hope we all can get what we need.

I have come to the conclusion that Zoe just does not require the same amount of sleep as most other kids.

Here’s what happened last night. After a long, no-nap day, she went to sleep at 9:30 PM – very, very early by our standards. She woke up at 5 AM, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. What two-year-old can survive on such little sleep?

She has never been much of a predictable or regular napper. She has been known to sleep for several hours on occasion, and for a few weeks she might take a nap within the same window of time, but for the most part, sleep has always been an issue.

I have blamed myself, our schedule, my inability to set and stick with a routine, and my resistance to stop nursing or kick her out of our bed. I take responsibility for these things and recognize their contribution to our difficulty.

I’ve had family, friends, counselors, and doctors tell me just to “put her down at 8 PM.” It all sounds so simple. The idea would be for her to go down then, I get some studying done for the next two hours, and then go to sleep myself around 10 PM. Then I wake up around 6 AM, get more done or get ready and leave to get to school, and she wakes up around 8 AM and Joel takes her to school. Sounds awesome, right?

My kingdom (which isn’t much right now, sorry!) to the person who can do this in a meaningful way.

Because the girl only sleeps for 8 hours at the very most, usually with one wake-up sometime in there, usually about 6 hours after falling asleep. If I don’t fall asleep with Zoe at night, I stay up, on average, two additional hours. And I need to in order to get things done. Which means that I never get more than four hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time, and very rarely will I get more than six hours total unless I go right to sleep when she does, which means I don’t get anything extra done. If I put her down at 8 PM, she’ll be up at 6 AM IF I’M LUCKY, and probably before that. When I’m not in school, who wants to get up just for the heck of it at 6 AM? I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with a toddler at that hour and for that long.

It’s all moot because I AM returning to school in a month. She’s in her school now, and they nap there. Well, she doesn’t. But that’s the idea.

Maybe she would nap, eventually, on that schedule. Maybe we should try it. Maybe we will. I’m working on something to put here in public as an accountability measure.